I think finding a new church is like starting to date after breaking up with the one you thought was "the one". You still grieve for "the one" and compare every one to "the one", but none will measure up. Can you really develop a relationship with the rebound? You're hurting and sad and not really willing to open yourself up again. And everything is so different, so unfamiliar. The rebound looks different and sounds different and doesn't really feel like it fits. Nothing the rebound does is the way "the one" did it. So what then??
This has really been a crumby week. I don't know why now after 8 months. EIGHT MONTHS! Guess I thought I'd have more than one friend by now. She's a GREAT friend!!! But it's not even fair to her that she's my only friend. Sure, I know several people. Occasionally I'll have coffee or even lunch with someone. And now and then I'll even run into someone I know.
We went to our cellular company, Vodaphone, today to see about getting me an iPhone. Not so I can talk to people here but to keep in better touch with Kaigan and friends and family in the States. I didn't get one. They're $1100!! The guy at Vodaphone even talked me into dropping to a smaller (thankfully cheaper) plan because I'm not nearly using all the minutes I've been paying for per month. We have free calls within our family plan so calls to Billy, Mik and Bry don't use any. Sadly the smallest plan has 100 minutes. Too bad they don't rollover.
Nani and Graham had a program tonight for school. It was a very sad and lonely feeling to walk into a gym full of parents and not recognize anyone! Billy was with me but I searched desperately for my one friend. I sat in the bleachers waiting for the program to begin and, as I scanned the hundreds of unfamiliar faces, I became so homesick for Science Hill and Pulaski County.
I'm really angry right now. Yes, I'll say it. I'm angry at God. Didn't He ask us to do this? Isn't this where He wants us to be? Weren't we obedient despite the risk and ridicule? Didn't we give up everything that was important to us except for Him and each other?
We finally watched our House Hunters International episode today. (Mom sent us a copy.) It was so painful to see our farm, The Viner Farm, the barn I had longed for that Billy finally had built for me just a year and a half before we moved, and my horses. I weep still. I grieve still. I'm so bitter, still.
Billy and the kids are all doing great! And I know there are things that are better for us here but I don't want to talk about that right not. Right now I just want to stamp my feet and beat my pillow and cry for a while...
No comments:
Post a Comment